surprises

just when i want to give up, a new chapter opens for me. a new person has entered my life. i'm not sure where it will all go, but i have to remain positive. i pray i find that one person who will make my life complete once again. i miss the togetherness, the happiness, the love, the laughter, the 'everything' you share w/ a significant other. so for today, i'm ecstatic for what might be.

Some days are harder

Some days are harder than others. Mentally more than anything. I go to work at 7am every morning. I love my job, not so much some of my co workers, but we have that every where. I stay very busy all day, its when I leave that my mind starts to play tricks on me. It makes me doubt myself. I am starting to figure out that because I had such a poor excuse for a male role model in my life growing up, I am starving for that attention now. I am seeing someone who loves me, but is not willing to make me a priority in his life. Why can't I just walk away? Why am I constantly looking for that someone to spend my life with? Why can't I just be happy by myself and enjoy my life w/ my girls? I don't know! I try to stay busy when I'm not working, because then I won't have time to sit and feel sorry for myself. I feel like I'm failing my girls when I fall into one of these funks. I am so up and down. I fight the urge to get on some kind of medication. I want to win this fight on my own. Its so easy to tell yourself to do something, but a different story entirely when its time to do it. I'm so tired of putting on the mask of happiness that everyone sees. Wouldn't they all be surprised if they could see into my soul and see the fears, the sadness, the weariness I feel.

something new

i have decided to try something new. after reading my sister-in-laws blogs, i thought this would be a good way to get some things figured out in my head. the past 3 years have been a life changing experience for me. divorced after 20 years, trying to be a mother my girls will be proud of and always come to for guidance, working full time, and can't forget, "dating". that in itself is very daunting. there are days in which i have no idea how i will manage to put one foot in front of the other. friends will ask me constantly if i want to talk to the point i want to scream..."leave me alone"! i know they are only trying to help, but i have 2 voices chatting away in my head. one telling me how i can't possibly be alone, i 'have' to find that special person in order to survive, my friends only want the 411 so that they can be the first to gossip, etc. the second voice is telling me i am a strong, independent woman who can and will make it in this scary world despite the nay-sayers, i am beautiful, i am a good mother-sister-friend, i'm honest, hardworking, etc. so why is it i am constantly beating myself up over things that i know i could control? i'm a giver and always have been. mainly because i always felt that if i give enough and please enough people i'd be accepted. sad analogy and one that sets me up for let downs every time. someone once told me to take the word "need" out of my vocabulary. i don't "need" anything, either i want it or i don't. so my focus and goal is to become that strong woman who i can be proud of...then see how life is.