surprises

just when i want to give up, a new chapter opens for me. a new person has entered my life. i'm not sure where it will all go, but i have to remain positive. i pray i find that one person who will make my life complete once again. i miss the togetherness, the happiness, the love, the laughter, the 'everything' you share w/ a significant other. so for today, i'm ecstatic for what might be.

Some days are harder

Some days are harder than others. Mentally more than anything. I go to work at 7am every morning. I love my job, not so much some of my co workers, but we have that every where. I stay very busy all day, its when I leave that my mind starts to play tricks on me. It makes me doubt myself. I am starting to figure out that because I had such a poor excuse for a male role model in my life growing up, I am starving for that attention now. I am seeing someone who loves me, but is not willing to make me a priority in his life. Why can't I just walk away? Why am I constantly looking for that someone to spend my life with? Why can't I just be happy by myself and enjoy my life w/ my girls? I don't know! I try to stay busy when I'm not working, because then I won't have time to sit and feel sorry for myself. I feel like I'm failing my girls when I fall into one of these funks. I am so up and down. I fight the urge to get on some kind of medication. I want to win this fight on my own. Its so easy to tell yourself to do something, but a different story entirely when its time to do it. I'm so tired of putting on the mask of happiness that everyone sees. Wouldn't they all be surprised if they could see into my soul and see the fears, the sadness, the weariness I feel.